Somewhere in nearly every search, a committee member says it out loud: “What about his wife?” It is a fair question. It is also a question that has caused more hurt, and more bad hires, than almost any other part of the process, because committees rarely decide ahead of time what they actually mean by it.
Here is a framework for thinking about the pastor’s wife that honors Scripture, respects her, and still gives the committee what it genuinely needs to know.
Whom Are You Calling?
Start here, because everything follows from it. The church is calling a man to be its pastor. The qualifications in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 describe him, including how he leads his home and whether his children are faithful. His wife is not a candidate. She is not applying for a job. She will not be paid, evaluated annually, or given a job description.
That does not make her irrelevant. A pastor’s wife shapes his ministry more than anyone else alive. Her spiritual health, her view of the church, her contentment or lack of it: these are not private matters when a man is being considered for a pulpit. But the committee is seeking to understand her, not to hire her. Keep that distinction and most of the hard questions answer themselves.
What Is Reasonable to Expect
A committee may reasonably expect that the candidate’s wife is a believer, that she supports his call to pastoral ministry, that she is in agreement with him on the doctrine the church holds, and that she is willing to be part of the congregation as a member, not merely as the pastor’s spouse. These are the same things you would hope for in any Christian wife of any man joining the church. They are not extra requirements; they are the ordinary fruit of a sound marriage.
A committee may also reasonably want to know how she is doing. A move is hard on a pastor’s wife, often harder than on the pastor, and a woman who is grieving a church she loves or exhausted from a previous difficult season deserves to have that noticed with kindness rather than discovered six months after the move.
What Not to Ask
Do not ask what ministry she will run. Do not ask whether she plays piano, teaches children, leads women’s events, or will host the youth group. If she wants to serve in one of those ways, she will, and she will be a blessing. If the church needs a pianist, that is the church’s problem to solve, not hers. Her husband’s call does not make her the church’s unpaid staff member. It makes her a sister in the congregation with the same freedom every other woman has.
Do not ask about her employment as though it were a defect. A pastor’s wife who works outside the home is not less committed, and in a bivocational or modest-salary call she may be the reason the family can accept it at all.
And do not interview her as if she were under suspicion. Some committees seat the wife across the table and probe. She is not on trial. Treat her the way you would want your own wife treated if you were the candidate.
Want candidates whose families are ready for the move?
Premier talks with every candidate about his marriage and family before presenting him, so your committee is not the first to ask the hard questions. There is no cost to an initial conversation.
How to Include Her Well
- Invite her early, and tell her why. “We would love for you to join us, because you will be making this decision together and we want you to see us honestly.”
- Give her time with the women of the church. Not a panel. A meal, a walk, a conversation with a few women who will tell her the truth about what life here is like.
- Show her the real place. The schools, the neighborhoods, the grocery store, the drive to the nearest hospital. A wife is choosing a home for her family, and she needs to see it.
- Ask her what she needs. Not what she will do for the church, but what the church can do for her family as they arrive. The answer tells you a great deal about her, and it starts the relationship with care instead of expectation.
What Her Presence Tells You
Spending time with a candidate’s wife is still one of the most useful things a committee can do, not because she is being evaluated, but because a marriage is visible when two people are in a room together. Does he speak to her with respect? Does she speak of his ministry with warmth or with weariness? Are they moving toward this call together, or is one of them dragging the other?
These are the things that matter, and none of them require an interview to see. Treat her well, give her a real look at your church, and pay attention. A healthy marriage shows itself. So does a strained one. Either way, you will have learned what you needed to know without ever treating a sister in Christ as a job applicant.